Monday, January 19, 2009

Addendum to Counter Protest of Anti-Abortion Protesters

Here are the lyrics to the Dead Milkmen's classic "Methodist Coloring Book". Now sing along to the link at the end of the last post.

Methodist Coloring Book

You've got a Methodist Coloring book
and you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
or God will send you to Hell
'caues God hates war
and God hates crime
but he really hates people
who color outside the lines
You've got a Methodist coloring book
don't color outside the lines
'cause if God doesn't strike you with
lighning, he'll at least make you go blind
Good people get sent to the attic
Bad people get sent to the cellar
But there's a special kind of Hell
for those who just won't learn to color
God is gracious, God is good
so let's color in his book
God wears cotton, God wears rayon
He can mend a broken crayon
God is honest, he don't take payola
Let's all thank him for our crayolas
You've got a Methodist Coloring book
and you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
or God will send you to Hell.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Counter Protest for Anti-Abortion Protesters

We here at The Befuddler believe in the right of people to peaceably protest and to register their dissent in a non-violent fashion. We believe that people of all political persuasions have a valid say in determining a solution to all controversial and political problems.
We here at The Befuddler believe in no set political ideology and like to categorize ourselves as apolitical, or actually anti-political. We also reserve the right to point out all political ridiculousness, and remain the sole arbiter of what is politically ridiculous.

That being said, let's talk about abortion.

First thing that all sides need to realize about abortion is that it's fun. People take drugs because it gives them a high, a low, and to allow them to achieve a level of ecstasy and fun that otherwise isn't available to them. People get addicted to drugs because of the fun it allows them to have. But, like all uninhibited revelry, things can get dangerous when having too much fun. Which is why drugs are illegal, and despite the valiant efforts of all fun-havers everywhere (see below), they remain illegal.

Like drugs, people have abortions because it's fun. Which is why many people want to make it illegal: they're afraid people are having too much fun, and just like drugs, they believe too much fun can be dangerous.

Many of the anti-fun-havers are those who picket and protest outside of the abortionteques, or "clinics" as they like to call them. Some of these tactics involve shoving and deliberately bumping into those people attempting to make their way into the dancehall. And if these pre-parenting partygoers happen to bump into the protesters in return, accusations of assault and trespassing upon their first amendment rights are asserted.

Anyway, we at The Befuddler, despite our anti-political stance are here to give new tactics in counter protesting the protesters.

1. Carry signs outside the clinics holding photos of famous people with the captions that "Person A" or "Person B" was also a fetus.

2. Hand out coupons, saying something along the lines of "Get Two Abortions get your next one free."

3. Petition the major networks to start airing abortions live, complete with cheerleaders, announcers, and interviews with the patients afterwards. Think about how great it would be to have Erin Andrews or James Brown asking a patient as they began walking out of a clinic, "So, how do you feel right now? What was the gameplan going into today's procedure?" Let's just be careful that Suze Kolber doesn't interview: we don't want Joe Namath showing up.

4. Take pictures of the protesters outside of the clinic wearing dark glasses and a black suit.

5. Sell BBQ cookbooks and have a BBQ sauce test taste next to the protesters.

6. Sell free-range oven roast chickens.

7. Hold a counter anti-death penalty protest across the street or next to them.

8. Carry around a high school yearbook and ask all protesters to sign it.

9. Act like a vendor at a sporting event: carry a metal bin around your neck and walk around yelling "peanuts, popcorn, program, chips." Return in an hour or so carrying hamburgers, hot dogs, cotton candy, ice cream. Be sure to walk in between all the picket holders in order to better increase your sales.

10. Hold signs of the Eraserhead baby with a caption, "This is what your baby will look like."

If all else fails, drive by with a bullhorn attached to your stereo playing this song over and over and over again. Drive back and forth with the volume on full blast.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Excuse Me, Mr. Dershowitz

Just wondering about this and, um, this and why they aren't talked about all that often by the US government, or by you specifically.

Friday, January 2, 2009

What happened to the America I know and love?

I was just reading an article about climate change. I know, I know: paint me lefty, liberal, alarmist, tree-hugging wackjob, right? Before you do that, though take a look at this. Climate change, my friends. (Mr. McCain, I will send your royalty check in the mail.)

And in that article I was reading about the myth of climate change, I saw a little nugget of information stating that China has overtaken the United States as the biggest polluter in the world. Is this the kind of country that you and I want to live in? Aren't we supposed to be #1 in all that we do? We're America, dammit! We're Number One! We're Number One! It's Not We're Number Two! There's a great responsibility that comes with being Number One in the world, and we have to live up to that responsibility. Burn some car tires; burn some styrofoam packaging; cover your trees, your children, your pets, your award-winning pumpkins in Aquanet. We need to get to #1 again.

It's bad enough that we're not the top polluter anymore, but it's even worse knowing that we're the #7 country in the world for executions! That's six countries that kill more of their own people than we do. We can do better, US government. It's high time that the citizens of this country started holding their politicians and their policies accountable. We can be number one at EVERYTHING and we should be. It's Yes We Can, people, not Maybe We Shouldn't.

We're the country of the Manhattan Project, Christmas Morning in Cambodia, and Rocky IV: The Final Chapter in The Search for Electric Spock Boogaloo . The people who accomplished those things had can-do attitudes. We need that again.

And once we get back on top of the executions and pollutions list, then we can set our aims high. Don't think you have abject poverty cornered, Zimbabwe and Haiti. We're coming on strong.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Crusader of the Day: Thomas Jones

This may seem like an odd choice, but we here at The Befuddler are not beyond recognizing people when they stand up to bloated, behemoth, fascistic institutions. And, all sports fans out there realize that Brett Favre is such an institution, that he's more than an institution. He's America itself.

"But he's one of the greatest QBs ever!" Yeah, this might be true.
"He single-handedly brought respect back to Green Bay." Green Bay must be a pretty bleak and angry place, then.
"He's just throwing the ball and running around like a kid out there." Exactly. Yes, he is. And how many of you have ever watched kids run around and throw a football? It's like hot potato, or like an ugly stereotype of a keystone cops crime caper. (YAY, alliteration!) The robbers just got caught, and are trying to get rid of the evidence and they just throw it in the air, hoping that somebody else gets it and runs away safely, or in Brett's case, to the endzone.
And if nothing had convinced people of Brett Favre's god syndrome before, I think this past offseason did. And watching him on the sidelines of the last Jets-Miami game of the season, standing alone, petulant, talking to nobody, not making an effort to talk to anybody, he looked like what I have long thought he is: a giant dick.

Jones stated recently what should have been obvious to anyone not even watching sports: that when the Jets started to tank at the end of the season, he should have been benched. The fact that he wasn't benched makes you realize just how much of a Brett-fearing nation football people have become. And it strikes The Befuddler as Too Little Too Late. Why couldn't you have said something then! Much like Robert McNamara in "The Fog of War", or any member of the current administration about the current Iraq War. Why did you have to wait so long before you said something?

Yet Thomas Jones dared to stand up to the Goliath bully known as Favre, to America; he dared to speak against The Favre, to America; and for that Jones gets the first, albeit light-hearted, tribute of the new Befuddler.

One stars and stripes covered middle finger in the air for Thomas Jones.

And one Wayans-shaped cake for Brett Favre.

A restart

It's been a long time, dear readers, and I don't have much of an excuse: laziness, and, um, laziness.

I will attempt to update The Befuddler on a much more regular basis, and with a focused intent: championing political and general satire, and those who thumbed their noses and rubbed anti-protesters' faces into the mire. And no, Free Mumia people, I am still not donating.

It's good to be back, people. It's good to be back.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Random quote of the day: Jes Grew

"They talk all night. Benoit Battraville explains the Templars' mission and their employers, the Wallflower Order; they discuss techniques and therapy associated with The Work. Similarities and differences between South American, North American and African rites.

Black Herman and PaPa LaBas leave early in the morning as dawn comes over New York. Just as LaBas is walking down the ramp with Black Herman, he turns to Benoit Battraville standing in The Black Plume's stateroom doorway.

You are very erudite in not only your own history but the history of the world and in a language we understand. What is the reason for this?

You actually have been talking to a seminar all night. Agwe, God of the Sea in his many manifestations, took over when I found it difficult to explain things. In fact this is his ship. He presides over our Navy.

LaBas smiles. That Old Work was some Work.

As he and Black Herman approach Black Herman's auto, Herman turns to PaPa LaBas.

Of course there was the man alternating with the spirit... didn't you see him jerk from time to time. Jerk his head. Next time you go to a so-called Holiness storefront watch the soloist who is backed up by the choir of rattling tambourines; see if he or she doesn't jerk her head at a crucial moment 'when the Spirit hits her'.

It's all over the place, isn' it. I should have known. Different methods. Different signs, but all taking you where you want to go.

The men climb into the car and head from the pier. Then, into Manhattan.

PaPa LaBas thinks to himself as he rides alongside the silent Black Herman, Perhaps I have been insular, as Berbelang said, limiting myself to a Mumbo Jumbo Kathedral, not allowing myself to witness the popular manifestations of The Work."

-Ishmael Reed, from Mumbo Jumbo