We here at The Befuddler believe in the right of people to peaceably protest and to register their dissent in a non-violent fashion. We believe that people of all political persuasions have a valid say in determining a solution to all controversial and political problems.
We here at The Befuddler believe in no set political ideology and like to categorize ourselves as apolitical, or actually anti-political. We also reserve the right to point out all political ridiculousness, and remain the sole arbiter of what is politically ridiculous.
That being said, let's talk about abortion.
First thing that all sides need to realize about abortion is that it's fun. People take drugs because it gives them a high, a low, and to allow them to achieve a level of ecstasy and fun that otherwise isn't available to them. People get addicted to drugs because of the fun it allows them to have. But, like all uninhibited revelry, things can get dangerous when having too much fun. Which is why drugs are illegal, and despite the valiant efforts of all fun-havers everywhere (see below), they remain illegal.
Like drugs, people have abortions because it's fun. Which is why many people want to make it illegal: they're afraid people are having too much fun, and just like drugs, they believe too much fun can be dangerous.
Many of the anti-fun-havers are those who picket and protest outside of the abortionteques, or "clinics" as they like to call them. Some of these tactics involve shoving and deliberately bumping into those people attempting to make their way into the dancehall. And if these pre-parenting partygoers happen
to bump into the protesters in return, accusations of assault and trespassing upon their first amendment rights are asserted.Anyway, we at The Befuddler, despite our anti-political stance are here to give new tactics in counter protesting the protesters.
1. Carry signs outside the clinics holding photos of
famous people with the captions that
"Person A" or
"Person B" was also a fetus.
2. Hand out coupons, saying something along the lines of "Get Two Abortions get your next one free."
3. Petition the major networks to start airing abortions live, complete with cheerleaders, announcers, and interviews with the patients afterwards. Think about how great it would be to have Erin Andrews or James Brown asking a patient as they began walking out of a clinic, "So, how do you feel right now? What was the gameplan going into today's procedure?" Let's just be careful t
hat Suze Kolber doesn't interview: we don't want Joe Namath
showing up.4. Take pictures of the protesters outside of the clinic wearing dark glasses and a black suit.
5. Sell BBQ cookbooks and have a BBQ sauce test taste next to the protesters.
6. Sell free-range oven roast chickens.
7. Hold a counter anti-death penalty protest across the street or next to them.
8. Carry around a high school yearbook and ask all protesters to sign it.
9. Act like a vendor at a sporting event: carry a metal bin around your neck and walk around yelling "peanuts, popcorn, program, chips." Return in an hour or so carrying hamburgers, hot dogs, cotton candy, ice cream. Be sure to walk in between all the picket holders in order to better increase your sales.
10. Hold signs of the Eraserhead baby with a caption, "This is what your baby will look like."
If all else fails, drive by with a bullhorn attached to your stereo playing
this song over and over and over again. Drive back and forth with the volume on full blast.
